Now i remember why i end up being the way i am, and truly only expressing my self through things instead of through really me, i remembered why i hate people.
Because I can't ever REALLY get mad and when i think i am i just feel sad and not mad.
I always apologize when i shouldn't and i don't want to but i do.
People are hypocriteses and the only remebr the facts when its them in the electric chair.
Me i remember all the time and it sucks cause it means i don't bitch at people even though i want to.
But it also means i hold grudges, i hold everything to heart.
And it stays there.
i know i shouldn't but i do
Thats the way i feel
People think its hard being popular, having people who would fight others for you, being called pretty all the time, and yet some people hating you.
But is it really that hard when you have bunches of people who love you.
And yet your depressed cause you care about the opinions of those who hate you when the rest love and adore you.
How do you think the people feel who don't have hate or love
Who are alone
Who have to be dead to be seen
Or hurt
Or tired of it all
You say your depressed
you say you don't know how it is to be me
Well you don't know how it is to be me
To feel dead inside and look at all the people who aren't and want an crave what they have
What your afraid you'll never have
Alone
Forgotten
Not loved
Scared
Now tell me who has it better
The Scared or the Forgetting Great
TELL ME! WHO HAS IT BETTER! THE GIRL WHOS LOVED BY ALL HER FRIENDS OR THE GIRL WHOS WANTS TO DIE BUT IS SCARED OF DEATH AS MUCH AS LIVING GOD DAMN IT TELL ME!!!
you might want acceptance
but all i want is hope, love, and a friend
instead of this stupid blog
i want somebody to talk to to trust who loves me or cares about me
cause i don't have a real friend who does and my family doesn't seem like they do
And God...
has more important people to take care about rather then the pathetic suicidal chick

Im done.

November.Life."Great".SOS

Ok so its been awhile since I've update you so thats what imma basically do. So since I've last written I've gone to Screamfest (freaking muddy and cold as fucking shit) went trick or train' with my friends ;) and then Jackson and this friend of his Chase or whatever that was ok i guess and again cold as hell! But now on to the important stuff. Lets start with the easy-ish less frustrating topics before a go on into a confusing rambling explanation. So Octobers over gotta shit load of candy (which is all that appeal honestly except for the cherry lollipops) and November is now here and since I'm in Canadia theres snow on the ground (fun stuff). Schools another bloody freaking fucking hell of a problem. I mean i find studying interesting (sometimes) but i have to be interested and motivated and i don't really have a steady flow/supply of that as discussed before. But i will try to TRY harder its just soo much. And still mostly pointless with out a point, a reason and basically I'm just stuck having to try and continue on unless i want a bigger fucking shity mess. "Great" huh? Besides that I've also got my singing and writing stuff and that I'm actually feeling more motivated about usually :) which is good i guess i got my music flow thing back! :) so some good news. Sadly i still have more bad news to tell so don't get to excited just yet. I mean I'm basically just passing in some of my classes report cards are out soon and i just can't seem to be able to keep up with any of it. Oh now besides my learning/studying/school life i also have my whole "friends" issue. Cause the thing is i don't fit. It seems i don't have a puzzle to fit in and I'm just the mis-fit piece nobody really bothers about and mostly doesn't really like. And plus i have my other friends like Kaylee, Phoenix, etc. And i just don't know how to balance all of them out and also the fact that I'm close-ish with Danielle, Acacia , Amber and all but i kinda want it to be someone like in the summer when i was really close and i felt like i finally made some like FRIENDS. But again i guess I'm back to being the loner child, the misfit piece, the sudical chick, the DUFF i swear if i continue on i think i might start crying... hahaha REALLY "FUN" STUFF HUH? And then theres the fact of how i feel, and how i want a friend or a group and ow i have no social life and absolutely NO LOVE LIFE! I mean i haven't even had my 1st kiss! God i feel like crap rite now... Banana Pancakes take me away.


SOng change, thank god for Paramore the thing to get me less in pity-party mood and more planning on fixing my shit! So if anybody out there happens to stumble upon this and gets what I'm trying to say (which mite be hard i knw I'm kinda a mess...) please tell me if you think this plan will work.

School
For my grades i will try each day i will take at least a solid hour to focus on my crappy homework with kick-ass music to help me

Tomorrow:
Science- Since i forgot my science i have stuff due try to get it from the school if i can't try to get it offline D2L and the online textbook and ask friends (or classmates for help)

LA- Do my chapter for work for the golden compass than do my chapter 5 work and work on my character chart and etc (so all the LA Golden Compass Crap)
Ask sis for her old work for help

Gym- Find my spandex if can't find tell mom (get ready for the whole incompetence thing and how much i am and stuff which i know and its just.. ok don't get carried away NO pity-party take like a WOMAN.)
Than ask to go get some not short shorts for wrestling
Don't forget to tell the Parentals your practice times

Mondays 3:30-5pm
Wednesday 7:30-840a. (so till the morning school part starts)
Thursday (i think) same time as Mon. so 3:30-5pm

[**STOP being that giggly girl cause she kinda annoys you, DONT be afraid to be who you want to be and along the way find out who you are :), BE BOLD don't be the fucking pussy you are! So what you can do stupid shit in front of strangers and act how you want?! It means NOTHING if you can't do the same all the time in front of your friends as well, TAKE CHANCES, THINK LESS cause it hurts you when you do it too much and too often listen to 'Charlie' ;from Perks of Being a Wallflower and PARTICAPTE!, and most of all be TRUE, FEARLESS, HAVE FUNN) :) And be great cause hopefully theres more then just an awkward, average logically, half attempt of a singer in you. Cause you are more then that (Im trying to tell myself that again and this time and actually believe it but not really working.. Ill work on that too). :) **]



MUSIC :)

Take some time tomorrow to get back on to the piano play around sings tune have fun :) also try the guitar (now that its properly tuned), try to make another video, sing to your voice hurts, listen to some more kickass music, let it fill you and take all your thoughts away, feel the music.


FrIeNdS 

This ones gonna be a bit trickier.

Camp Chestremere Friends:
Talk to them more
Get Kaylee and Phoenix's gifts (maybe you can make some of it in woodshop)
Talk to Sam
Meet up with Marie sometime
Also talk to Chelsea :)
Talk to Matt find out how him an his FIANCE are going ;) (Nikki)
Plan to go to camp for Nov. Weekend

Hopeful Close Friends:

SO Cassidy a lil while ago said we should make a friends group bucket list thing so thats what I'm gonna do and on monday I'm gonna show it to her and go from there :) Have funn ask if you can have a sleepover sometime and invite them over :) Go with what feels right.


Love Life...
Get back to you on that one...

Holy carp you'll never believe what just happened! Ok so i was writing that sentence before ^ right? And my dad comes in my room to tell me to go to bed but i have my beats on FULL blast (as usual) so he like scared the SHIT outta me and i like screamed throw my heads at his face and like half attacked him... BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA! FUNNIEST STUPIDEST THING EVER!

So i have one more thing i want to talk about before i "go to bed" which actually means i go to my room write in my diary, read, watch tv and maybe at 1 or 2 decide to go to bed.

ok so.. :)

BOOKS <3

HOLY HELL I LOVE THESE THINGS! And when i read books i always have this lil' narration voice in my head (which usually pops out in my real life in my head and stuff) ;) but ya so i just finished today reading Perks of Being a Wallflower and it was AMAZING and depressing and funny and SO different because it wasn't my usual romantic comedy escape realty books it was like and escape but also reflected and related to my life and my thoughts and etc :) Its just hard to explain. I wish i could explain it but i can't. I guess somethings just are indescribable. And it felt indescribable and INFINETE like Charlie said. I hope later with my friends or later on when i grow a lil older i feel that way :)
So the next book i want to read is
The Great Gatsby
finish The Book of Luke
Naked Lunch (a book i got from Perks)
and i want read a bunch of other books i heard about from Perks and maybe those books will lead to more kool books and those will lead to more and so on :D This thought makes me happy!
Hehehe :)

Anyways i better "go to bed" ;)

 Unsure Scared
          Hopeful Hopeless Planning
                            and ALWAYS Dreaming,

That Awkward Girl c(:

Whatever, Go Away, Goodnight

So ya i might be lazy and say bullshit i don't mean. But i still don't see the point. And without the point i will never be fully motivated. All those momentary times were I've full of knowledge, motivation, and ambition pass as i remember whats the point and why and i question and i hurt and i try and give up and its all just URGGGGRRRRRAGGGGGAHHHHGGRRRHHH! Ya. I guess I'm still kinda fucked huh? I still try to pretend. That its not real. Or i watch way too much tv and i try, try to escape or hide or wrap myself in that imaginary non-existent story. But its hard. No-body gets it... And they just seem to try and pull me back down to reality but gravity hurts too much. And id rather be ignorant and blissful way up high floating in the clouds. I know i tend to push people away but they don't get it. And i just despretaly need someone. Anyone. A friend. Someone who gets it. But i guess for now I'm alone. Ive mostly always been alone. There really hasn't been anybody that i believe i could entirely trust with my thoughts, well at least i don't believe there has been. I know I've only just turned 14 but is it soo wrong to not want to be alone? To have someone to trust. I know I'm only 14 but how much longer do i have to wait. How many times do i have to try and not die inside, how many times must  try even though the strongest way i feel towards this situation is that its hopeless and mostly pointless as well. I know a lot of what i feel is my own fault. And that i should keep trying to push past. But the thing is it pushing past will never give me what i want. What i need. What i desire, look for, and cry over almost every second of the day. I long and desire and moan for love, friendship, trust, peace, joy. I long to feel something besides pain. And all the things that come with it like insecurities, lost, confusion, unsureness, hopeless, useless, pointless, heck i could go own. But i think if i do i just might start crying again. Anyways its late and tomorrows another day i have to keep trying and where I'm pulled down from outta the clouds so goodnight.

Off topic and will fill you in later
-That Awkward Girl

Inspiration...Sisters...Changes...

Inspiration... who's your inspiration? i don't know why but for a couple of hours I've been thinking of that while trying to figure out what to put as my Facebook cover. And then my train of thought lend to actions (mine) and my "supposed" to be coming along song. And i i don't know why but i feel like I'm lacking inspiration. I just wish there was something or someone i don't know just a SIGN of INSPIRATION! Anyways besides my hunger for inspiration todays been pretty good and so has this weekend... kinda.. ish... ok now my bad thought just popped in my head. The bad thought thats been bugging me for quite a little while. Ok so here's the situation. I go to a canadian catholic school and all right? (btw they soo shouldn't even call it a "catholic" school like seriously) and honestly I'm not that popular, or pretty, or even sociable. Im just me (who ever that is) and well like most schools theres cliques. And well its not like a huge clique thing but theres your group of "friends" i guess you know the people you eat lunch with or partner up with when doing assignments.  And honestly some of them are ACTTUALLy my friends while others are just... ya. But well it was last week after school i was gonna hang out with my friend Keturah and my "supposed" friend Rhiane too right? Well noafnec she aint that great of a friend. She bashed my sister to my face! Forgetting that she was my sister!! I mean i tired of some people seeing her as some wicked witch cause she's not! But she tried apologizing and i walked away but then i went back to hang out with Keturah but she was there and i thought i could just push it back to the back of my mind but i CANT!! Its driving my fucking bonkers!!! And truthfully I've been saying for what maybe 2 years now? that i needa make a change. In me, my life, in just stuff right? And well i guess stuff includes my "friends" cause anyone who bashes my sister. The girl who yes is a total pain in the ass and can be such a bitch sometimes (nobody else can call her that but me) and is rude and judgmental and is the older pretty tall thin one i can never compare to. Ya she's all of those things but she's also kind, loving, selfless, supportive, trusting (sometimes), funny, and most of all she's my sister. And ya she might not be my blood sister but heyy i remember back in Texas when i found out i was getting a sister i couldn't stop telling people (even if id already told them or if i didn't know them) cause i was getting one and i was glad.. :) and ya we've had lots of rough patches but in the end she'd always be there for me, telling anybody who calls me ugly, picks on me or anything to back the hell off and you know what its about time i return the favour... Don't you think?
Anyways besides changing my friends and finding some real ones I'm also changing my house! :D Ya thats right we finally can move out of this crapy tiny rented canadian house that embarrasses me SO much! Haha! :) And were moving into a bigger house :) (still rented of course and in the same neighbourhood) but bigger, warmer(vibe), and better. And i feel like this is hopefully just the beginning of my changes. For this year more then the seasons are changing for me... Hopefully life will change for better or for worse... we'll see.

WHO AM I

Where am i? What am i? Who am i? And along with a cycle of various different questions pass back and forth through my over loaded and under-aged brain. I mean I'm only in Junior High and people around me are having sex. Not that sex is a big thing its just i wouldn't at 13-14 (but hey thats just one opinion out of sorts). But hey i didn't make this place to talk about IBTC (itty-bitty-titty-comitees0, or sex, or guys. No believe it or not as a 13 year old in the current present state of society caught in the whole sex appeal and the love at 1st sight BS i actually do think of other things. Actually i think of everything. Where am i going, whats next, and one I've been struggling with for a while. WHO AM I and unlike others my age i just can't shake off my insane swarm of thoughts and well more precisely  that very stubborn question. And ya i know I'm only 13 I've got time but in my opinion time is both things extremely slow and blindly fast. And well i don't know... Where i am. Where I'm going. What'll happen. I just don't know. And i can't stop thinking about it. I mean I'm already looking at colleges and I've only started 9th grade. Though sometimes if I'm lucky when I'm in my room its quiet and i put on some music and i just feel it and i feel their words and my mind goes blank. Until my family starts screaming at each or just talking really loudly or something and then I'm sucked right back in. ... right back here. In my room. All alone. Awkward and unsure. Listening to music.
Just being That Awkward Girl.