So ya i might be lazy and say bullshit i don't mean. But i still don't see the point. And without the point i will never be fully motivated. All those momentary times were I've full of knowledge, motivation, and ambition pass as i remember whats the point and why and i question and i hurt and i try and give up and its all just URGGGGRRRRRAGGGGGAHHHHGGRRRHHH! Ya. I guess I'm still kinda fucked huh? I still try to pretend. That its not real. Or i watch way too much tv and i try, try to escape or hide or wrap myself in that imaginary non-existent story. But its hard. No-body gets it... And they just seem to try and pull me back down to reality but gravity hurts too much. And id rather be ignorant and blissful way up high floating in the clouds. I know i tend to push people away but they don't get it. And i just despretaly need someone. Anyone. A friend. Someone who gets it. But i guess for now I'm alone. Ive mostly always been alone. There really hasn't been anybody that i believe i could entirely trust with my thoughts, well at least i don't believe there has been. I know I've only just turned 14 but is it soo wrong to not want to be alone? To have someone to trust. I know I'm only 14 but how much longer do i have to wait. How many times do i have to try and not die inside, how many times must try even though the strongest way i feel towards this situation is that its hopeless and mostly pointless as well. I know a lot of what i feel is my own fault. And that i should keep trying to push past. But the thing is it pushing past will never give me what i want. What i need. What i desire, look for, and cry over almost every second of the day. I long and desire and moan for love, friendship, trust, peace, joy. I long to feel something besides pain. And all the things that come with it like insecurities, lost, confusion, unsureness, hopeless, useless, pointless, heck i could go own. But i think if i do i just might start crying again. Anyways its late and tomorrows another day i have to keep trying and where I'm pulled down from outta the clouds so goodnight.
Off topic and will fill you in later
-That Awkward Girl
