Ok so its been awhile since I've update you so thats what imma basically do. So since I've last written I've gone to Screamfest (freaking muddy and cold as fucking shit) went trick or train' with my friends ;) and then Jackson and this friend of his Chase or whatever that was ok i guess and again cold as hell! But now on to the important stuff. Lets start with the easy-ish less frustrating topics before a go on into a confusing rambling explanation. So Octobers over gotta shit load of candy (which is all that appeal honestly except for the cherry lollipops) and November is now here and since I'm in Canadia theres snow on the ground (fun stuff). Schools another bloody freaking fucking hell of a problem. I mean i find studying interesting (sometimes) but i have to be interested and motivated and i don't really have a steady flow/supply of that as discussed before. But i will try to TRY harder its just soo much. And still mostly pointless with out a point, a reason and basically I'm just stuck having to try and continue on unless i want a bigger fucking shity mess. "Great" huh? Besides that I've also got my singing and writing stuff and that I'm actually feeling more motivated about usually :) which is good i guess i got my music flow thing back! :) so some good news. Sadly i still have more bad news to tell so don't get to excited just yet. I mean I'm basically just passing in some of my classes report cards are out soon and i just can't seem to be able to keep up with any of it. Oh now besides my learning/studying/school life i also have my whole "friends" issue. Cause the thing is i don't fit. It seems i don't have a puzzle to fit in and I'm just the mis-fit piece nobody really bothers about and mostly doesn't really like. And plus i have my other friends like Kaylee, Phoenix, etc. And i just don't know how to balance all of them out and also the fact that I'm close-ish with Danielle, Acacia , Amber and all but i kinda want it to be someone like in the summer when i was really close and i felt like i finally made some like FRIENDS. But again i guess I'm back to being the loner child, the misfit piece, the sudical chick, the DUFF i swear if i continue on i think i might start crying... hahaha REALLY "FUN" STUFF HUH? And then theres the fact of how i feel, and how i want a friend or a group and ow i have no social life and absolutely NO LOVE LIFE! I mean i haven't even had my 1st kiss! God i feel like crap rite now... Banana Pancakes take me away.
SOng change, thank god for Paramore the thing to get me less in pity-party mood and more planning on fixing my shit! So if anybody out there happens to stumble upon this and gets what I'm trying to say (which mite be hard i knw I'm kinda a mess...) please tell me if you think this plan will work.
School
For my grades i will try each day i will take at least a solid hour to focus on my crappy homework with kick-ass music to help me
Tomorrow:
Science- Since i forgot my science i have stuff due try to get it from the school if i can't try to get it offline D2L and the online textbook and ask friends (or classmates for help)
LA- Do my chapter for work for the golden compass than do my chapter 5 work and work on my character chart and etc (so all the LA Golden Compass Crap)
Ask sis for her old work for help
Gym- Find my spandex if can't find tell mom (get ready for the whole incompetence thing and how much i am and stuff which i know and its just.. ok don't get carried away NO pity-party take like a WOMAN.)
Than ask to go get some not short shorts for wrestling
Don't forget to tell the Parentals your practice times
Mondays 3:30-5pm
Wednesday 7:30-840a. (so till the morning school part starts)
Thursday (i think) same time as Mon. so 3:30-5pm
[**STOP being that giggly girl cause she kinda annoys you, DONT be afraid to be who you want to be and along the way find out who you are :), BE BOLD don't be the fucking pussy you are! So what you can do stupid shit in front of strangers and act how you want?! It means NOTHING if you can't do the same all the time in front of your friends as well, TAKE CHANCES, THINK LESS cause it hurts you when you do it too much and too often listen to 'Charlie' ;from Perks of Being a Wallflower and PARTICAPTE!, and most of all be TRUE, FEARLESS, HAVE FUNN) :) And be great cause hopefully theres more then just an awkward, average logically, half attempt of a singer in you. Cause you are more then that (Im trying to tell myself that again and this time and actually believe it but not really working.. Ill work on that too). :) **]
MUSIC :)
Take some time tomorrow to get back on to the piano play around sings tune have fun :) also try the guitar (now that its properly tuned), try to make another video, sing to your voice hurts, listen to some more kickass music, let it fill you and take all your thoughts away, feel the music.
FrIeNdS
This ones gonna be a bit trickier.
Camp Chestremere Friends:
Talk to them more
Get Kaylee and Phoenix's gifts (maybe you can make some of it in woodshop)
Talk to Sam
Meet up with Marie sometime
Also talk to Chelsea :)
Talk to Matt find out how him an his FIANCE are going ;) (Nikki)
Plan to go to camp for Nov. Weekend
Hopeful Close Friends:
SO Cassidy a lil while ago said we should make a friends group bucket list thing so thats what I'm gonna do and on monday I'm gonna show it to her and go from there :) Have funn ask if you can have a sleepover sometime and invite them over :) Go with what feels right.
Love Life...
Get back to you on that one...
Holy carp you'll never believe what just happened! Ok so i was writing that sentence before ^ right? And my dad comes in my room to tell me to go to bed but i have my beats on FULL blast (as usual) so he like scared the SHIT outta me and i like screamed throw my heads at his face and like half attacked him... BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA! FUNNIEST STUPIDEST THING EVER!
So i have one more thing i want to talk about before i "go to bed" which actually means i go to my room write in my diary, read, watch tv and maybe at 1 or 2 decide to go to bed.
ok so.. :)
BOOKS <3
HOLY HELL I LOVE THESE THINGS! And when i read books i always have this lil' narration voice in my head (which usually pops out in my real life in my head and stuff) ;) but ya so i just finished today reading Perks of Being a Wallflower and it was AMAZING and depressing and funny and SO different because it wasn't my usual romantic comedy escape realty books it was like and escape but also reflected and related to my life and my thoughts and etc :) Its just hard to explain. I wish i could explain it but i can't. I guess somethings just are indescribable. And it felt indescribable and INFINETE like Charlie said. I hope later with my friends or later on when i grow a lil older i feel that way :)
So the next book i want to read is
The Great Gatsby
finish The Book of Luke
Naked Lunch (a book i got from Perks)
and i want read a bunch of other books i heard about from Perks and maybe those books will lead to more kool books and those will lead to more and so on :D This thought makes me happy!
Hehehe :)
Anyways i better "go to bed" ;)
Unsure Scared
Hopeful Hopeless Planning
and ALWAYS Dreaming,
That Awkward Girl c(:
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